amusedfrom SNL:
"A Doctor at a local airport was stopped on Sunday, because human remains were found in his luggage. "They're teaching tools," claimed the doctor, "teach that bitch to cheat on me!"
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From AMERICAN DAD:
*Roger the alien sits down at the table, takes a doughnut, and his chair breaks. No body moves*
Roger the Alien: “Don’t everybody rush to help at once!”
Francine: “You have put on a little weight, Roger…”
Roger the Alien: “Well, I’m sorry we can’t all look like those anorexic aliens from the James Cameron movies!”
Francine: “I’m putting you on a diet, no more sweets.” *Takes the doughnut out of his hand*
Roger the Alien: “No! Not my sweets!” *Crawls on top of the table with the rest of the doughnuts* “Don’t take them away!” *Table breaks* “…Oh God I have a bear claw up my ass”
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*At Midnight, Roger the Alien is digging through the kitchen cabinets to find sweets. But nocks over a glass jar*
Stan: “Did you hear that!” *pulls out guns* “where’s your machete!”
Francine: “Oh Stan, I really don’t think I need a –”
Stan: “WHEN I’M GONE YOU MUST DEFEND THE CLAN!”
Francine: *pulls out machetes from under her pillow*
*Stan slowly sneaks around the living room down stairs when he hears a noise*
Stan: “Osama, is that you?” *He hears the noise again and fires wildly into the air, then he turns the lights on to discover he’s shot his sons dog. *
Stan: “Oh my god! I shot the dog!”
Roger the Alien: “And don’t ask me to bring him back with that E.T. finger thing cuz that’s a giant load of crap.”
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*Roger the Alien helps Steve get a date in exchange for giving him sweets*
Roger the Alien: “Oh, Steve, Kudos on the biotch.”
Steve: “Thanks Roger!”
Roger the Alien: “No Problem. But if you expect to get any boob I’m gonna need a but load of twinkies.”
